meh.

"when you decide to come to class, your whole day changes", one of my teachers said in class recently. "you pack your bag, you drink water, you eat better, you leave work on time." this is so true. and yet today i packed my bag, have been drinking my water, eating okay-ish and am still debating going to class, because i've got back pain like never before, which came on suddenly, when getting ready to work this morning. meh.

changes.

"she's going to be our next teacher. or maybe our next yoga champion."

a senior teacher said this about me during a workshop on saturday, as i was standing on the podium, demonstrating a pose for the class. i can't even remember which pose it was - he made me demonstrate so many of them: standing deep breathing, hands to feet, standing bow, cobra, full locust, fixed firm, camel, rabbit.  he'd never taught me before, and he didn't know about my plans and aspirations at that point. his help and his praise were so meaningful to me. it sounds so corny, but when he asked me up to the podium for the first time - my first time ever getting on the podium - i felt my life changing in that very instant.

i've taken a few bikram workshops, and they've all been great, but yesterday was so very special. everyone was working so very hard, everyone was cheering each other on in an atmosphere of hard work, love and support.

it all felt so very good: the yoga, the work, the support, the challenge, the appreciation. i was grinning half the time. in class lately i've sometimes wondered why i'm so keen on going to teacher training, when it feels like such a drag, but saturday's work felt so good, so right, that the thought of spending nine weeks doing this is already making me happy.

and then i networked with people from my studio and talked about training and that challenge i want to do in january, and damn: i feel so much closer to teacher training already. lucky me.

the first words i ever wrote about bikram.

i've picked up my long neglected yoga practice: i've been to a couple of bikram yoga classes these past days. and i'm hooked.

i'd never done bikram prior to this. my yoga past includes yvengar (way too technical), ashtanga (nice, but too hectic) and a decent, long-term sivananda practice (nicely spiritual and challenging). but after losing my yoga teachers to a cult-type community, i also lost my practice.

and now i'm on the bikram train, an instant convert. yes, it is weirdly westernized (push! push! push!) and very hot (38°C plus) and very sexy (all those short shorts and topless blokes) but above all, it's a challenging practice.  challenging for both the mind and body.

i remember years ago reading a bitchy little article about bikram and his style of yoga in yoga journal, but geez, they failed to mention how good it feels.

not at first though. during my first lesson, i felt like dying. or at least giving up.

it was so hard to move in the heat and to create more heat with movement. just after class, however, i felt the high from all the backbends. it was incredible. this was what i first fell in love with, years ago, when i started yoga.

the second class was much less evil and brought the same high, and today, during my third class, i understood that bikram, the intensity, the heat, the sweat, is just what i need right now. "you can't run away from your body", the instructor said, and she's right, obviously. i looked at and worked with my body today and it was incredibly hard and incredibly satisfying. and sweaty.

i'll go again tomorrow.

 that was four and a half years ago.

about three years ago, after a super awesome class and a brief chat with one of my favourite teachers, i walked out of the studio, called a friend and told her that i would go to teacher training. i put 'go to bikram yoga teacher training' on my bucket list a little later, and  few months ago i've really made up my mind: i'm going to do it, even though i'm not yet sure how. i will save, find, borrow the money. i will make a decision about my job.

i will make it happen with bengal tiger strength and english bulldog determination.